Hard Girl Like Me Falling?

I like this boy that indulges my stupidity.

I stepped out of the elevator that brought me to the seventh floor of our building on Campbell Street. As opposed to carefully queuing the songs on Spotify, tailoring them to my mood for the day, I just let the algorithm take the wheel today.

Finally in the newsroom. I settled into a colleague’s chair because someone had swapped mine for a shorter one. As I fired up my work laptop, Ruth B’s “Dandelions” started playing.

Wait, oya subscribe. Thank you

I smiled, took a snap and sent it to my friends. The song reminded me of a time in my life when I was so in love with Voldemort, I’d send him screenshots of love songs that reminded me of him via Whatsapp. Not just Dandelions but Mixed signals, let me down by Alessia Cara, pidgin and English. The whole embarrassing catalogue, and it wasn’t that long ago, it was just last year.

Boy that I was not dating o.

I wish I had evidence to share but I'd clear our chat regularly because one stupid habit I developed was going back to those chats because it somehow gives me hope.

But is it not hope Tinubu promised us? abi renewed hope deni

In December 2023, Voldemort changed his number and I couldn't view his status or take screenshots of his fine pictures. So like any normal person, I started texting the old number. Crying that I missed him, that I knew I messed up and that I was sorry. I turned his chat to my diary, sending random updates about my life. But I only had the mind to do that because I believed he was never going to use that number.

Don't ask for details of what I wrote because my stupidity has boundaries - it starts and ends in his DMs.

About two months later, I entered his DM again to rant about how I missed him. As I scrolled through my previous stupid messages, I noticed my previous messages that had just one tick, suddenly had two ticks.

Abi it is film trick?

I started scrolling upwards to delete all my stupid messages, while shouting, “my reputation ooo.” But it was too late, i couldn't delete most of my messages. So I turned off my data and went to distract myself, I went to cook Indomie because food is the only thing that can soothe my stupidity.

He’s not going to see it and even if he does, it's not like he’s going to respond.

About an hour later, while I was still cooking my emotional support Indomie, I got a call from an unsaved number.

My first guess? (Voldemort, Sorry Voldemort is what I call him in my diary).

I picked up and told him I'd call back because I was busy cooking in the kitchen cooking.

Lori Indomie and egg!

I just needed time to panic and maybe scrub the word "STUPIDITY" off my forehead with an iron sponge. So he called me back.

You see how he indulges my stupidity?

And so we talked about it……..I admitted I felt stupid and he asked if he was stupid for calling me (I’m sorry but that's all the details you get).

He texted with his new line and even though I told him he didn't have to, I'm happy every time I see his WhatsApp updates.

Last month I typed "my love what's up" followed by "I miss you" three times in a row. Voldemort called me after that message and I was smiling like didinrin (fool in Yoruba).

I admit it.

I’m not here to tell you that I'm in love because I'm not, it's more like I'm finished, and I need help. I just wanted to update you all that I'm a completely finished woman who will never admit she's completely finished.

I've only truly been in love once, and yes, it was with Voldemort. During this period, butterflies weren't just in my stomach - they colonized my entire head and refused to leave. So I tried to kill them. Long story short: it's been over two years, and they've filed for permanent residency.

Please recommend a strong insecticide

I’m not sure why I'm sharing this, but it's the closest I've gotten to admitting anything. If my week goes well, I promise to share the full Voldemort saga in my next issue.

In the meantime, I know the only thing you got from this is how spectacularly stupid I can be. Please share anyway. Thank you!